Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Feature #1: From 0 to fuckup in 20 seconds

Ow.

You know it's really like a positive, physical gut-punch when you freeze up in the middle of a performance. When you freeze up at the BEGINNING of a performance, well, it's kind of like one of those Mortal Kombat uppercuts where blood flies out of you for no discernible reason.

It went like this:


It wasn't so bad, though, after I regained consciousness, I finished the set without messing up again.  It just sucked to mess up 30 seconds into my set.  That's what I get for trying new things.

Well, anyway, there's another feature coming up Thursday.  This time the audience won't be 2/3rds my friends, so that'll probably make me a lot more comfortable and much less likely to fuck up.

I think that's how it works.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Feature Creature!

I'm a monster of main events! A demon of debuts! A poltergeist of performance!

I'm also featuring TONIGHT at Bloombars!

Can't make it? That's all right, I happen to ALSO be featuring Thursday at Spit Dat open mic!

That's right, it's a two-feature week! Shit's about to get real.

I performed on Saturday at Fan-Freaking-Tastic, a comedy-kinda-show at Chief Ikes in DC.  It went pretty well, considering I was the only poet going up there.  Luckily, I'm hilarious, so it worked out.  Actually, I think my moniker got more laughs than my poetry.  But that's okay.  No big deal.  It's not like I need to be validated on a daily basis.
oh god, oh god, why don't people like me?
Anyway.  It should be exciting/exhausting.  Having my first AND second feature in one week is pretty daunting, but I'm totally pumped.  Besides, honestly, I think having this much performance in one week will give me a certain amount of momentum that will make my features that much more fun to watch.  And I've spent too much of my life taking slow, controlled breaths.  I heard hyperventilating from time to time is good for you.

I'm also planning on trying to add some more emotion to my delivery.  I feel like I still sound a bit like I'm reciting sometimes.  When I see the performers I really like, they seem to have a real direct connection with what they're saying.  I want to work on that.


Either way, wish me luck, non-existent blog-subscribers.  It's time to rock some socks and take some names and chew bubblegum...or something...

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Your rejection "didn't work for me"

"Thanks for submitting this story, but I'm going to pass on it. It didn't quite work for me, I'm afraid. Best of luck to you placing this one elsewhere, and thanks again for sending it my way."

What is this?

What the hell does that mean?

"It didn't quite work for me"

I didn't send you the story to find out whether it worked.  I sent you the story to try and get it into your magazine.  I know my story works.  I want to find out if you'll publish it.


What I want from a rejection letter:
  • Notice that you will not be publishing my work
  • That's it.
This isn't the first time I've gotten this reply, either.  There was someone else who said "it didn't quite work for me".  Those EXACT words.  I'm not the only one

What is it with these editors that they think we really care about their opinions? No, we want to know if it's accepted.  If not, suggestions are nice.  If not, SHUT UP.

Also, I'm annoyed.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Writing a poem about poems

So this'll be what I finish my feature at Bloombars with.  Or, at least, the beginning of the poem:

(With papers in front of my face)

It started like this.
Paper face-mask
Clean like I’m not
Smooth like I’m not.
Balanced cautious rhyme and timing
On classical language foundations.
I indented lines.
I punctuated.  Interestingly.
I a-b-a-b-c-c’d
I a-a-b-b-c-c-d-d’d
Shoot, I even used QUATRAINS.

It's an edited version of a much more corny poem about the change from a nervous poet to, I guess, a slam poet.  Because those are opposites.
Honestly, I've found myself having a hard time writing anything but spoken word-type stuff.  I mean, with poetry at least.  Fiction is still the same overwrought silliness that it's always been.  I'm not sure if this is an evolution in my style or if I need to control it.  I feel like at a certain point I'm just going to be going on stages and talking.  Like "Oh man, you know what I don't like? Grapefruit.  Why do people eat grapefruit? Even Tropicana's up on that business, selling Grapefruit juice.  You don't see Tropicana hydrochloric acid, why would they sell grapefruit juice?"

I think there's a poem there.  BRB, gonna go throw away everything I know about poetry and write about fruit.

Interesting tidbit

Lookie here.

Seems like there's one organization behind every evil piece of legislation ever made ever.  I mean, it's no surprise that the Republicans don't actually come up with even their most terrible ideas, but the fact that both the Wisconsin union-busting bill AND the Arizona immigration law came from the same shadowy organization? This is sci-fi shit right here.

Friday, March 18, 2011

People that should be (at least) locked up for March

I was gonna do Ann Coulter.  Because she says stupid shit.  But that's not new.  It's come to a point with her where just seeing her face triggers this sort of Pavlovian reaction in me where I just want to punch a journalist.  Not because I have any anger towards journalism (I do), but because it would sort of be like striking back at the media for bringing a creature like her to my attention.

No, I think this guy deserves this more:
 No, not the guy holding the assault weapon.  The guy pressing his old man teats against him.  That's right, Representative Peter King.  He's become notorious not for doing anything helpful for his constituents, but for doing active harm to the general public.  Which makes him a damn good Republican.

Not only does he look like the villain from some Batman movie, he's also the biggest hypocrite we've had in the news for a long time.  He's dusted off the mantle of McCarthyism and decided to bring American Muslims to trial for un-American activities.  So it's not even an ORIGINAL bit of insanity.  His concern is that Muslims aren't doing enough to combat extremism and terrorism.

The rules he applies to Muslims, of course, do not apply to him.  Peter King has strong affiliations with the Irish Republican Army.  The same IRA that injured 212 innocent people the bombing of a city centre in 1996.  He has close ties to Sinn Féine, the political arm of the IRA that has been classified as a terrorist organization by the US.

But, you know, he's right.  The IRA never attacked America.  I mean, they may have killed an American, but he was out-of-country, which makes his loyalties suspect!

So, in conclusion, Peter King is saying that terrorism is okay, unless you're Muslim.

Representative Peter King, the fact that you can breathe with your head that far up your ass boggles my mind.  The creaminess of your Irish nationalism mixed with the hard sound of your outright racism dropped into a half pint of stout political power is an explosively terrible combination that will get us all wasted.

Man, that was some delicious metaphor.

Representative King you should, at least, be in jail.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Sometimes the ads are better than the site.

I was looking at this one site that was so boring it actually made me go back to work.  So I closed the window and what do I see but a big pop-up with a bunch of pictures and "headlines" as if they're news articles.  I was about to dismiss it when I saw breasts and it made me give the whole page a second look.

 Yes.  A picture of an asian girl and the caption: "It is much better that Anime".  Not only is it much better THAN anime, it's also much better THAT anime.  And I have to agree.  Asian people are better than cartoons.

It gets better:

You heard it here, folks.  Disney is no longer doing fairytales.  Instead it will be launching its new line of homoerotic crossover fanfics.

...This one is just straight-up frightening.  A picture of an off-color old-fashioned skirt over a pair of legs that look like they belong to a 15-year-old girl.  Random ad site, you might want to question where you're getting your pictures.

A number of the other ones also have something to do with Disney or have porn-a-fied Disney characters as pictures.  Obviously clicking on any of these options would connect me to a live feed of Disney XXX.

Honestly, sometimes websites are like the superbowl.  The ads are more entertaining than what you came for.

Monday, March 14, 2011

If God exists, he's a jerk.

So I heard blogging can be cathartic.  I'm trying to think of a way I can write down the frustration I'm feeling right now.  I'm thinking it would be composed of maybe 20% sadness, another 10% anger and 70% curses.

Something like: WAHARGHFUCKDAMMITCRAP!!!

I think that had the right proportions.

So certain events happened in my life recently that made me decide I am romantically cursed.

Not to mention I got accepted to a program that I think I must have been drunk when I applied to.  It's a Masters of Public Health program which, when you get right down to it, has nothing to do with anything I'm interested in.

And now this stupid agent wants to see my whole manuscript.  And the feature, of course.  And a new gig.

SO.  This is my calendar right now:


Yes.  This is a pile of first-world problems.  And I should probably be happy (Except for the relationship thing, I'd turn gay, but I realize men are just as bad as women.) but this is catharsis, goddammit.  And what's catharsis without whining and gratuitous swearing?

Bullshit.  That's what it is.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Prepping for a feature

Again. I'm a bad blogger. Apologizes to my huge audience, who I'm sure have been incredibly disappointed by the extra time I've taken to post. I know. You all are probably on the verge of riot.

Anyway, I have a feature at the end of the month. That's right, Big Poppa Ben will be storming the halls of Bloombars with his mad poetry skillz! Come one, come all, March 28th!

And you know what that means.  It means it's time to stress out uncontrollably until I can barely function and horribly screw up my opportunity to prove that I'm a good poet! Ah, inadequacy.  My tentative set list includes:


Writing poem (Needs to be off-paper)
Building a Bridge
Pills Pills Pills
Love Poe
Rhubarb Poem
We Want to Hear You (Half of it needs to be off-paper)

Not to mention the usual babbling I do before poems.  I'll tell you what, I've never been up on stage for a full half hour.  Not even when I had a powerpoint backing me up and note cards in front of me.  I'm wondering if I can make it the full half hour without some catastrophe.  I consider myself a pretty unlucky person and I'm not sure I've done enough good deeds to go a half hour without like the ceiling coming down.  For your entertainment, I've done mspaint illustrations of my horrible fears:





What are the chances that I'll spontaneously combust? I DON'T KNOW! I've never been on stage for a half hour.

Anyway, come one, come all.  Bring marshmallows.  My flaming, horrible death shouldn't go to waste.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Science says facebook makes you happy.

Scientists have spoken.  Facebook makes you have higher self esteem.  It's on CNN, so it must be fact.

Nevermind the fact that the set up went kind of like this:


Nevermind the fact that they COULD have had Group B playing a game or, I dunno, reading ridiculous faux science articles on CNN rather than staring into a mirror for five minutes.  No.  This is science.

Correlation DOES imply causation, so long as the something trendy is proven beneficial.

Open Door MADNESS!

Yes.  Madness.

I occasionally am bad at this blog thing.  I go through spurts where I absolutely must blog about every piddling little thing and then lulls where I realize my life is really boring and no one wants to read about it.

So, now that I'm depressed, let's get on with it!

I'm gonna start using labels so anyone not interested in hearing me call for the arrest of certain asshole political figures can ignore them.

Anyway, so I'm submitting Xenotone to this.  A fiction/fantasy publisher is having an open door month where they take in all the detritus of the wannabes with the hope of fishing something worthwhile out of the garbage bin of mankind.  It's like being a freegan, but with peoples hopes and dreams.

It's pretty interesting, I've been submitting mostly to agents, this'll be the first time I'll be going straight to the publisher.  I looked through some of their books and they look pretty interesting.  Worth checking out, ya know.

Anyway, thought I'd give a little writing update.  I'll keep all you non-existent readers in the loop.