I'm bad at blog.

I was doing so good there for a while.  Had some regular writing shit, some regular political shit, sprinkled some nonsensical mspaint and randomness.  And now? A whole week without an update? What kind of immoral, heartless monster am I?

I guess I just assumed the rapture was coming.  There's no blogs in Heaven.  Or maybe it's like the Islam thing with 72 virgins.  Except it's 72 blogs.

Or 72 sturgeons.

Actually, because I have too much time on my hands, I looked up the whole 72 virgins thing.  Apparently it refers to the "Houri" which are described as virgins with "swelling breasts" that "do not sag" and that they that are "delightfully passionate" with their husbands.

Also, there's an interpretation that suggests that, rather than 72 virgins, virtuous Muslims are promised 72 delicious raisins.

Well, that was a quality post.  Job well done.

How to heckle a poet

This is a fun word:

Poetaster - An inferior poet.

It's like Poet + Disaster.  Poetaster.

That's right, from now on, every time you hear a bad poet, you stand up and say "Give it up, Poetaster!"

Or, "What a poetaster!"
Your rhymes are a tragedy!
Your rhythm a travesty!
You're the Chernobyl of pith,
The Hindenberg of myth,
You're on stage in your underwear,
While your wife's off having an affair!

Or something like that.  It'd actually be really hilarious if someone came up to me and called me this. 

And by hilarious, I mean traumatizing.

Sometimes the ads are better than the site.

I was looking at this one site that was so boring it actually made me go back to work.  So I closed the window and what do I see but a big pop-up with a bunch of pictures and "headlines" as if they're news articles.  I was about to dismiss it when I saw breasts and it made me give the whole page a second look.

 Yes.  A picture of an asian girl and the caption: "It is much better that Anime".  Not only is it much better THAN anime, it's also much better THAT anime.  And I have to agree.  Asian people are better than cartoons.

It gets better:

You heard it here, folks.  Disney is no longer doing fairytales.  Instead it will be launching its new line of homoerotic crossover fanfics.

...This one is just straight-up frightening.  A picture of an off-color old-fashioned skirt over a pair of legs that look like they belong to a 15-year-old girl.  Random ad site, you might want to question where you're getting your pictures.

A number of the other ones also have something to do with Disney or have porn-a-fied Disney characters as pictures.  Obviously clicking on any of these options would connect me to a live feed of Disney XXX.

Honestly, sometimes websites are like the superbowl.  The ads are more entertaining than what you came for.

New hope for vegetarians

So this has been in the news.

Apparently Taco Bell does not serve high-quality locally-farmed organic sirloin steak with every kid's meal.  What a fucking travesty.

Louis Black says it better.  Plus, if you watch that, you don't have to read stuff.  Who wants to read stuff, amirite?

So anyway, the summary is that Taco Bell says their food is 88% beef (which, I guess is why they emblazon packages of it with the words "taco meat filling" instead of "BEEF").  The lawyers say, however, it's more like 36% beef.  So really arguing over nothing, right? The lawyers insist Taco Bell call it "taco meat filling" rather than beef.  Which you could totally see being good for business.

Then again, it's taco bell:

Source

So the question came to me as I was making my way through three of seven layers of my burrito filling:

Does this mean vegetarians can eat at Taco Bell?

I mean, technically it's not meat.  And vegetarians should be used to the taste of the filling, since they eat mostly processed food filler anyway, so it wouldn't be much of a change.  I feel like this opens new doors to vegetarians.  For the longest time they've been deprived of having high cholesterol, diabetes and heart failure.  Now even the greenest of the green can make themselves sick.  It truly is a brave new world.

Thank you, Taco Bell, for making the world a more unhealthy place.

P.S: In order to make up for my hardcore bashing of vegetarians, here's a tofu recipe:

Sauteed tofu:

Cut tofu into slices and press out some of the water in each slice with a paper towel.  In a separate container, put soy sauce, sesame oil and pretty much anything else (sriracha, salt and pepper, hell, you can even get wild and put some hot+sour sauce up in there).  Put the slices into the container with this mixture and shake it like a polaroid picture until the slices are nicely coated.

Put some oil (Olive oil and maybe a little sesame oil) in a pan and heat it.  Then throw some chopped garlic in there and cook until delicious.  Once that’s done, take each slice and sautee them until…well, whenever, really, you can make them really cooked or leave them a little squishy.  After they’re all cooked, you can take some of that leftover sauce and sautee some chives or whatever else you want to eat with your delicious tofu creations.

Size to cutness ratio

So I went to a middle school to a poetry contest.  I totally mopped the floor with them.

Just kidding.  They were really good.

But anyway, so there were all these little kids all dressed up and doing their poetry.  And half of them were in full-fledged suits.  And it occurred to me that there is absolutely nothing cuter than a small child in a suit.  I think the relationship looks kind of like this:

It's just the truth.  When I have children, they will be wearing suits always.  If they ever question it, it'll go like this:
Kid: Dad, why do I have to wear a suit all the time?
Me: Because if you're not cute, I'm not your father.
Kid: So, if I take off the suit-
Me: You're not my child.  Now fix that tie.  You call that a Windsor knot?!

Mmm...parenting.

Happy birthday, fatties!

Yes.

A groupon for liposuction.

Only $2,500 and we can suck your fat ass away!

This is all kinds of hilarious to me.  "Buy as a gift".  Honestly, it wouldn't be a terrible gift.  They could go out and eat chili cheese fries and bacon for like days.

"But you'll gain weight!"
"Doesn't matter, I have a liposuction groupon, bitches!"

It makes me hungry just thinking about it.

OMG THE IPHONE'S ON VERIZON THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE OMGOMGOMGOMG

Ugh.

Quote from this: "Fans of the iPhone are practically foaming at the mouth at the idea of being able to use the popular Apple device on Verizon's network..."

Foaming at the mouth? Really? I mean, I'm no iPhone fan, but I'm not certain the ability to buy a Mac product ever gave anyone rabies.

But maybe not.  Maybe the media's actually right this time that if we don't all rush out and buy the new iPhone, we'll all suffocate and die from lack of cool.  Accordingly, Mac should change up its marketing strategy:

 

Yes.  That is a picture of Cindy Crawford.  I have no idea why I looked her up.  But there you go.

Also.  iPhone sucks.

This is why the expression "womp womp" was invented.

Really?

REALLY?!

A Monopoly and a Battleship movie.

Are we really that low on ideas that we need to make movies out of BOARDGAMES now? What's next? A Risk historical drama?

A Capri Sun thriller?

Dunkin Donuts action/adventure?

Operation drama?

Boggle romantic comedy?

Too clever not to steal.  H/t to this

The director of the Monopoly movie talks about how the movie's going to be set in a Monopoly world and pits the main character against the evil Parker Brothers.  And that it's going to talk about the real estate market and greed.

Really.  You're going to use a game based on rolling dice and running around a board to make a point about the pitfalls of modern capitalism.  Well, just because it sounds like a stupid idea doesn't mean you shouldn't put millions of dollars into doing it.

Oh wait.  That's exactly what it means.