How a Republican deals with obvious public disapproval

So there was this.  Where Republicans (And at least one Democrat) proposed a bill that would only allow funding for abortion in cases of "forcible rape".  Meaning that a woman would only be able to get health care funding for abortion if they were raped forcibly.  So no funding for any of that friendly rape, where someone playfully has sex with a woman against her will.

Of course, women in general rose up against that bullshit and it got removed.  One of the Democrats sponsoring the bill said: "The language of H.R. 3 was not intended to change existing law regarding taxpayer funding for abortion in cases of rape, nor is it expected that it would do so."

Which is the political equivalent of "Oh, well, we didn't really want it anyway."

Now, having faced a powerful public outcry, you'd think the Republicans would back down from this issue and try and go another route towards turning women into chattel.  But then you'd be overestimating Republican resourcefulness (and intelligence).

Yesterday, Republicans (and 16 anti-choice Democrats) passed a bill that redefines rape coverage for "forcible rape", imposes higher taxes on women, creates "abortion audits" in the IRS and bans DC-funded abortions.

I'm trying to think of a way I can write the sound that this made come out of me.  It was a combination of "Whaaaaat?!" and "AGH!!" and "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?"

Something like WhaaaarggghhARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!

I'm not exactly sure what Republicans (and 16 Democrats) are trying to do with this.  I feel the need, by the way, to add the Democrats part, because these 16 should be immediately impeached and chased out of their state with fire and pitchforks.  That may sound extreme, but SO IS THIS FUCKING BILL.

It's just confusing.  Republicans have shown a strange dedication to doing exactly what the majority of people are against.  Not that this is surprising, but they seem so focused on digging themselves a hole it's surprising that they even bothered getting elected.

These people?
They are the enemy of women.
Ever since they came out of one,
They've been divided,
Raised in households where MAN WAS KING
WOMAN COOK DINNER
MAKE SEX
RAISE BABIES.
It's a tragedy
Watching them get educated
Watching them get jobs
Do them better
And make more money,
What a twisted world we live in.

These succubi shred our moral fabric
As they shatter glass ceilings,
They wear the tattered fragments as bikinis
Show a body they are no longer ashamed of,
While these men fashion legislative burqas,
Yearn for the days when women processed anxiety disorders
Into delicious homemade pies.
Left them cooling on windowsills
So they could check on Billy and Sally,
Who play house in the backyard,
Billy beats Sally silly,
While she collects the broken fragments of what used to make her human.

No, Sally,
You are no human
You are woman.

These people?
They are afraid of women.
They see vaginas with fangs,
Framed by unshaven legs,
Unbound breasts.
They create perfumes to mask that humanity,
The smell that, yes,
They're human.
More than human, they are mothers.
They hold within them the spark of all life,
And for all mankind's Parliaments and Presidencies,
Man will always just be seed
A woman is the Earth.

So they flounder,
Throw law when it works,
Punches when it doesn't,
But the Earth is a hard thing to escape.

Besides.  Liberated women are better in bed.

Depression interlude

Just thought I'd take a break from all the good stuff happening and all the crappy poetry to express my complete awe-struck horror at some news I learned about last week. I didn't really want to get into it in the middle of an already eventful week, but now I'm free to stress myself out about it.

This shit. This horrible and, worse, not unexpected shit.

Our soldiers taking pictures of themselves after killing and mutilating innocent civilians.  Like they're so hardcore, man, gunning down a small child from behind cover must take REAL guts.

But the truth is, it's not the soldiers.  It's the situation.  The torture of prisoners in Abu Ghraib, the water boarding of detainees in Guantanamo, the bombing of civilian targets during the Persian Gulf, the My Lai massacre in Vietnam.  That's just a few of the AMERICAN atrocities.

And what's the common denominator? It's not the people, what is socially acceptable changes constantly.  So does leadership.  So does the setting.  So does the enemy.  The common denominator is war.  The fact of the matter is that there is no way to wage a humane war.  You put people in insane situations, you can't be surprised when they act insane.

You have to be crazy to kill someone.  Murderers are either placed into impossible situations or are just completely insane.  War cultivates this insanity and we act surprised when our soldiers return and are all kinds of fucked up.  We ENGINEERED that crazy and called it basic training.

The thing that's worse about this is that Obama's still harping on the same tired "America is making the world safe for Democracy" bullshit, when the only thing we show the countries we are safe-izing is a barbarism that puts to shame any of the dictators we oust.

Our soldiers gunned down innocent people and smiled about it.  I think a situation like this deserves a few years of reflection on what we're doing to our people.  Something's gone wrong here.  We've created something toxic in ourselves and until we fix it, the only thing we're spreading is misery.

Interesting tidbit

Lookie here.

Seems like there's one organization behind every evil piece of legislation ever made ever.  I mean, it's no surprise that the Republicans don't actually come up with even their most terrible ideas, but the fact that both the Wisconsin union-busting bill AND the Arizona immigration law came from the same shadowy organization? This is sci-fi shit right here.

People that should be (at least) locked up for March

I was gonna do Ann Coulter.  Because she says stupid shit.  But that's not new.  It's come to a point with her where just seeing her face triggers this sort of Pavlovian reaction in me where I just want to punch a journalist.  Not because I have any anger towards journalism (I do), but because it would sort of be like striking back at the media for bringing a creature like her to my attention.

No, I think this guy deserves this more:

 No, not the guy holding the assault weapon.  The guy pressing his old man teats against him.  That's right, Representative Peter King.  He's become notorious not for doing anything helpful for his constituents, but for doing active harm to the general public.  Which makes him a damn good Republican.

Not only does he look like the villain from some Batman movie, he's also the biggest hypocrite we've had in the news for a long time.  He's dusted off the mantle of McCarthyism and decided to bring American Muslims to trial for un-American activities.  So it's not even an ORIGINAL bit of insanity.  His concern is that Muslims aren't doing enough to combat extremism and terrorism.

The rules he applies to Muslims, of course, do not apply to him.  Peter King has strong affiliations with the Irish Republican Army.  The same IRA that injured 212 innocent people the bombing of a city centre in 1996.  He has close ties to Sinn Féine, the political arm of the IRA that has been classified as a terrorist organization by the US.

But, you know, he's right.  The IRA never attacked America.  I mean, they may have killed an American, but he was out-of-country, which makes his loyalties suspect!

So, in conclusion, Peter King is saying that terrorism is okay, unless you're Muslim.

Representative Peter King, the fact that you can breathe with your head that far up your ass boggles my mind.  The creaminess of your Irish nationalism mixed with the hard sound of your outright racism dropped into a half pint of stout political power is an explosively terrible combination that will get us all wasted.

Man, that was some delicious metaphor.

Representative King you should, at least, be in jail.

People who should (at least) be locked up for February

So it's an exciting time for me.  I'm going to be featuring at Bloombars (my first) at the end of March.  And the Semi-Finals for the Beltway poetry slam are coming up at the end of April.

Probably most important, though, I'm waiting on my Yelp Elite badge.  That's right.  Soon my opinion will matter.

But amidst all this excitement and restaurant-reviewing, you'd think I might pass over an opportunity to foam at the mouth about the idiot du jour of February.  Not so.  I give you, the man who should be at the very least locked up for February:

Governor Scott Walker.

Oh man.  Where to begin with this guy.  Let's do the usual Wikipedia him and find out exactly how pathetic his life is.  Governor Walker, a straight-C drop-out at a college ranked 75th in the country, has always been political.  Back when he was a sophomore, he ran for President of the Student Council.  Not only has Governor Walker always been political, he's always been a scumbag.  He was berated by the school newspaper for campaign violations and mud-slinging.  That's right.  Mud-slinging.  In a fucking student government campaign.

And now he's continuing the proud tradition of conservative politicians by proposing blatant attacks on workers' rights under the guise of the mythical "balancing of the budget".  Nevermind the fact that our debt is mostly due to the actions of Republican presidents.  Or that Republican-backed tax cuts contribute a great deal more to our debt than any of our economic woes.  Or that the Republicans can't even manage their Committee budget effectively.


No.  Republicans are the champions of fiscal responsibility.  Just like Rush Limbaugh is the champion of moderation.  And vodka is the champion of sobriety.


So anyway, Governor Walker's plan is to have teachers, who make around 50k average, take pay cuts and have their unions give up collective bargaining rights.  Meanwhile, he signed a tax cut bill of over $1 million for businesses in Wisconsin.  So that makes sense.


Of course, what's the point of attacking businesses? It's much better we attack the real criminals: Underpaid educators and those evil unions taking advantage of things like free speech and rights to equality.  Or, "wasteful" in the words of Gov. Walker.


But even though Gov. Walker thinks unions are wasteful and should be cut down, this is really all about the budget.  Yep.  Unless you happen to call Walker's office pretending to be Republican industrialist David Koch.  Then he's pretty open (and explicit) on his feelings towards unions.  


Now, Gov. Walker squeezing workers and feeding the pulp to businesses is nothing special.  The unions are in a revolt and in all likelihood, this will blow over, Walker will have lost all support of the people and he'll sit in office the rest of his days collecting on the deals he's made with other, real industrialists.


But THIS is scary.  That there are actually people who DEFEND what Walker is doing.  That people actually think that 50k is TOO MUCH to pay a teacher and that unions really are a bunch of fat cats.  This whole accusing the opposition of PRECISELY what you are doing is sickening.  And it seems like it's actually gaining traction by disguising itself as fiscal responsibility.  I'm sorry, a fiscal conservative is still a conservative and is still responsible for travesties like this.


So anyway.  It won't work and people like Gov. Walker, Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels, Ohio Gov. John Kaisch are tempting fate by pulling this kind of bullshit in the time of Tunisian and Egyptian revolutions.  Just because we're an ocean away doesn't mean we don't hear the call.


So, Governor Walker, stand firm all you want.  It just means you'll be that far behind when we move on.  Maybe if you finished your degree, you'd know history better.  But for now, you should be (at least) locked up.

A breakup letter to Arianna Huffington

Hey, Arianna.  We need to talk.

We've been through a lot together.  Remember when you hired that insane holistic nightmare douchebag to run your "Living" section? Or when you insisted that the GOP thinks Obama is a Muslim bent on Muslim takeover of our good Christian world based on a poll that didn't say anything like that.  Or this:

Oh man, covering a story about saving two women from prison in Korea in a way that makes it sound like all that coverage of Kim Kardashian's nipple, that was something else.

We've had our times together, haven't we?

But this time, Arianna, you've gone too far.  Don't try and play coy, you know what I'm talking about.  I saw you yesterday with him, that slickster Tim Armstrong.  That's right.  I know what's going on here.  You're thinking of...god, I can't even say it...MERGING with AOL.

I don't understand how you could do this to us! And with AOL! AOL's a playa, you know that.  It's been skipping off to India and outsourcing every chance it gets! And it's sneaky.  Remember when it released almost a million users' data to the public? Not to mention it's a gold digger.  It tried to start an email service that would make senders pay for the right to get a message to your inbox! And fail, fail, fail.

And it's AOL! The only thing I remember AOL doing for anyone is providing a venue for middle-aged men to anonymously stalk teenagers! Besides that, it's slow connections, slingo and a messaging service NO ONE USES ANYMORE!

But if that's who you want to be with, Arianna, I won't stop you.  I'll miss your Democratic niceties and your adorable accent of indeterminate origin.  But there's plenty of other news aggregators in the sea.  Go ahead, have your "merging of visions".  I've already moved on.

I hope you get Herpes.

Journalists in favor of child obesity

You know, the world is funny sometimes.  There'll be an issue that pops up every once and a while that you cannot even CONCEIVE of someone being against and then all of a sudden a piece of legislation asserting the rights of those non-existent resisters will pop up.  For example, a bill giving money to people who put themselves in mortal danger on 9/11.  Then the bill preventing the government from shielding contractors who endorse rape.

And now.  This moron.  A journalist (I guess you can call her that, she works for Time) who actually is trying to make the point that making school lunches healthier is a bad idea.  Are.  You.  Kidding.  Me.

Let's start with facts.  And by facts, I mean mspaint pictures:

As you can see, you put greasy shit into children and they become fat children.  Now I know your journalism school probably told you that math wasn't relevant to the real world, but the transitive property would indicate that:

If you take AWAY the shitty double-down fatmobile, you go back to a regular kid.

That's the logic behind the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010.  Stop giving kids shitty food, and they'll stop being unhealthy.  I'll also note that the site above gives quotes from just about everyone who's anyone in pediatrics and medicine saying that this is an excellent idea.  But a Times journalist says otherwise.

She begins her article talking about a school in Tulsa that has an excellent football team, presumably because they all weigh 250 pounds and cram down pizza every day.  Because eating junk food is definitely the healthiest way to gain weight.

Then she goes on to describe how "...the ice cream bars and Fruit Roll-Ups...make 7th grade tolerable for middle schoolers nationwide." I actually had a small aneurysm when I read that.  If the only thing that makes school tolerable for you is candy and ice cream, then there's more wrong with your education than your diet.

Then she goes on to make points.  Not good ones and not ones based in any real fact, but points.  Her first point is described in her title "Parents and Principals not pleased about coming school lunch guidelines".  Because there are no parents or principals who are in favor of these measures.

No, instead she quotes some random schmuck from the 8th most obese state in the US:

But the yummy stuff makes more money — and that's a big deal in an era of tight school budgets. "We had a Chick-fil-A night and made $800," says Emily Burns, a mother of three who sits on a PTA board at a Tulsa elementary school. "People feel bad" about the fried food, she admits a bit sheepishly, "but it's $800, and that can buy a piece of equipment for our school."

$800 dollars to sabotage your child's health? What a bargain!

The other issue is money.  Which isn't an issue.  And, furthermore, the costs of obesity and having children living unhealthy lives is kind of worth the few extra million.

In the end, the act is a step in the right direction.  And Ms. Ball's article is a step in the wrong direction.

I should note, also, that if you look up Karen Ball on Google Image, you get this:

Looks like someone never grew out of fruit roll-ups and ice cream.

"Shows off Chest, Boyfriend"

There's an art to headlines, there really is.  Getting someone interested in what might involve a full 5 minutes of reading (god forbid) is no easy task in the age of twitter and facebook.  You really have to pick the most important details of a story and summarize them in just a couple of words.  Find the parts the reader really wants to get to and put them out there.  It's like a journalistic wonderbra.  You know what the people want, and you're gonna prop those saggy suckers up like a double-dip recession.

Huffington post has a tendency to have this shit down.

"Hayden Panettiere Shows off Chest, Boyfriend"

Way. To. Go.

And here's some cute headlines.  And here's some misleading headlines.

One particularly bad one was when Bill Clinton, the first black president of the US, went over to Korea to pick up some journalists and the Huffington Post proclaimed "Bill Upstages Hillary...Once Again".  This is what a journalism degree gets you.  The ability to take interesting, engaging events and turn them into something trashy.

No wonder these news outlets are crashing and burning.

More guns!

Stop the clocks, ladies and gentlemen.  If you, like me, were timing how long it took for someone to co-opt the Arizona situation for a statement in favor of gun rights, you got it.  Representative Trent Franks, better known for saying Planned Parenthood was more corrupt than ACORN, has made record time turning the Arizona massacre into a lobby for more guns!

His statement:

I wish there had been one more gun there that day in the hands of a responsible person, that's all I have to say

You're right, Rep. Franks.  More guns has ALWAYS meant less crime.  You know what, I'd even take it one step further.  I think everyone in the crowd should have had guns!

Even better! What if Representative Giffords had a gun!

Wait, wait! What if Representative Giffords WAS a gun?!

And how much better would Obama's statement have been if he was a sawed-off shotgun?

And how awesome would our country be if it were an M27 Automatic Rifle!

Amazing.  Look how much more wonderful things are with guns in them! Violence isn't the answer, violence is the question! What's the answer?

HELL YES!

People who should (at least) be locked up for January

This is early! I know! So exciting! But it's mainly because I realized there's very little chance there's going to be someone who's more of a waste of space this month.  She's always been a close contender, but the assassination attempt this weekend catapulted her to the absolute top of the should definitely be in prison list.

That's right.  It's your favorite:

Yeah.  I know it's a fake picture.  But goddamn, it's so appropriate.

Sarah Palin isn't new to doing things that make her deserve some amount of prison time.  During her run as a primary reason not to vote for McCain, there was an investigation into whether Palin dismissed a law enforcement official because he didn't fire her sister's husband.  The findings were that Palin had abused power, giving us a little taste of the respect for authority typical of Ms. Palin.

The real problem with Sarah Palin isn't what she says, it's just a weird slurry of patriotic exhortations, like if you put Reagan in a blender.  The problem is who she says it TO.  Case in point, this is a typical Palin supporter:

*shudder* Anyone who voluntarily wears a shirt like that doesn't deserve the vote.  But Palin's supporters also include people like this:

Yes, that's the guy that had a gun at the Obama rally back in 2008.  And another Palin supporter.  And another.  And Sarah Palin, knowing that she has a pretty strong appeal to people with lots of guns and itchy fingers, published this on her website:

(The arrow is my addition.  Better version of this here.)

Now, whether or not the shooter was a supporter of Palin is unclear.  But the fact is Palin had a map with CROSSHAIRS on it targeting someone who, a little while later, was shot.  Not to mention pretty soon after this map was put up, Giffords office had been vandalized.

Of course, Palin sent her condolences, took down the map and scrubbed mentions of Giffords from the site.  But that doesn't make up for how irresponsible Palin has been and how the media has let her get away with what is, at best, lies, at worst, inciting violence.  Now people are dead, and I have a hard time believing that the GOP's runaway rhetoric had nothing to do with it.

Even the GOP's recognized the issue.  Though, to be fair, the Senator calling for a toning down the rhetoric refused to be named.  I mean, after all, he has his career to think about.  Who knows whether he'll need the racist lunatic vote.

So in the end: Ms. Palin, you are a nobody.  You are a housewife beauty queen dimwit from Idaho.  Your stupidity only hurt the small town you quit when the going got tough, but now you are a national figure.  If you are incapable of taking some responsibility for what you say and do, maybe you should just shut up.  And if you don't have the sense to do that, hopefully we'll someday find you in prison.

Condolences to the families of the victims in Tucson and best wishes for Representative Giffords' recovery.  Hopefully there's a lesson about the human impact of rhetoric in all this.

UPDATE:

So Sarah Palin's idiot hole opened again.  A few choice bits from her statement (You don't have to read it, it's a lot of the same shit she always says mixed with a few outlandishly ridiculous and somewhat dangerous statements).

1. "But, especially within hours of a tragedy unfolding, journalists and pundits should not manufacture a blood libel that serves only to incite the very hatred and violence they purport to condemn"

Blood libel, by the way, is the lie that some religious minority (usually Jews) murders children to use their blood in ceremonies.  Obviously, Palin has no idea what the word means.  I want someone to ask her if she knows what the Holocaust was.

2.  "Founding Fathers knew they weren't designing a system for perfect men and women. If men and women were angels, there would be no need for government."

You know what I love? When someone in the wrong uses human nature to defend their wrongness.  Yes, I cheated on my wife, ran over a priest and torched a busload of orphans, but, y'know, humans are flawed.  Screw you, Palin.  The only flaw in this situation is YOU.

3.  "Acts of monstrous criminality stand on their own. They begin and end with the criminals who commit them, not...with maps of swing districts used by both sides of the aisle..."

What kind of idiot things that criminals spring out of no where for no reason? I'll give you a hint.  It's the same kind of idiot that thinks BOTH sides of the isle used a map with CROSSHAIRS ON IT to indicate people that should be taken out of power.  It's also the same kind of idiot that thinks her half-wit housewife opinions are worthwhile.

Things Republicans can never talk about ever again

UPDATE:
I forgot healthcare.  Recently the GOP voted to keep their own personal health insurance a secret.  But, they're still pretty keen on taking healthcare away from everyone else.  There should be a word for this.  Hyperhypocrisy.  High Hypocrisy.  Dickheadedness.


So I haven't babbled about something political in a while, I think it's time we changed that.

There's been a number of incidents lately that have proved that the Republicans have adopted a stable political platform based on complete hypocrisy.  Rather than adopt a stance on issues and then fight to maintain their position, they've decided it's easier to adopt the stance then do whatever the fuck they want.

This is a problem.  My solution is that we pass laws banning Republicans from ever talking about these issues.  Punishable, of course, by prison terms.  Or firing squads.  Like the Democrats, I'm willing to compromise.  So here's some of the issues Republicans are now barred from talking about.

1.  9/11
Jon Stewart did this pretty well.  Briefly, what happened here was that the Senate Republicans blocked the Zadroga Bill, which provided funds supporting the healthcare of 9/11 first responders.  This was done mainly as a blockade against doing anything useful until they got what they wanted.  In other words, this:

Now, some people might doubt the logic behind taking an indefensible position against an extremely appealing piece of legislation.  Well, then you're probably not a Republican.  Republicans defend their logic like this.  That's Dr. Tom Coburn.  Yep.  He's a doctor against an incredibly popular piece of healthcare legislation.  I hope he's got good savings, because he's gonna need a new career! Wait, I got one!

2. Veterans
This might be hard to do, seeing as 75% of what Republicans talk about has to do in some way to shooting at things, but Republicans have proven that they don't really give a damn about veterans.  It's been a long-time issue that scam-artists and loan companies (aka, legitimized scam-artists) have been preying on veterans and their families.  What's interesting is that a certain Senator Sam Brownback and his Republican ilk have argued to allow these loan companies to continue.

Completely unrelated, I'm sure, but Brownback's top contributor is the National Auto Dealers Association. 

Not to mention the Republicans particularly don't like veterans who are homeless.  They blocked a measure to provide additional benefits for this population, estimated to be around 107,000 strong.

Fun fact: This measure was blocked on behalf of Dr. Coburn by Senator Mitch McConnell.  I've adjusted my picture:

3. Elitism\Racism
 Now, you'd think that any group full of old white men with southern accents would tread carefully when talking about privilege or racism.  But you'd also think a major political party would have some coherent political positions.  The Republicans buck both these logical trends, along with a number of others, when they accuse their opposition of being elitist or racist.

With the nomination of Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court, I was assuming that they'd avoid mentioning her race in the interest of not looking like a bunch of white aristocrats beating on a minority.  Surprise.

Obama has had the rare opportunity of being called both an elitist and a racist.  And a socialist (not gonna even put a link on that one, it's like the top Google search).  The elitist comment comes from Rand Paul, who celebrated his win this past election in an exclusive country club with a history of excluding people based on melanin.  The Racist comment comes from Newt Gingrich, who also expressed concern that bilingualism will bring about the end of our nation.  And who is now learning spanish.  So:

In conclusion, Republicans are bad.