Feature #2: Doin' it right

Hell yeah.

I may have struggled in that first feature, but this second one I knocked it out of the park. According to all the people I asked. They smiled and said "Yes! You did so well! Gotta go now, bye!"

Obviously they were blown away by my talent. That's why they moved so quickly away from me.

But in all seriousness, I think the feature went very well. I really got a good reaction to my "Building a Bridge" poem. I think it resonates very well with the Spit Dat Open Mic audience. And the more it resonates, the better I do. Really, it's like this feedback loop of poetic validation. Especially when DC seems to have this tendency attend concerts and the like so they can stand COMPLETELY STILL in ABJECT SILENCE.

But yeah. Spit Dat isn't, well, dat.

And so ends my week of insane poet-rockstar-hood. It's a relief, but at the same time...

I want more.

Feature #1: From 0 to fuckup in 20 seconds

Ow.

You know it's really like a positive, physical gut-punch when you freeze up in the middle of a performance. When you freeze up at the BEGINNING of a performance, well, it's kind of like one of those Mortal Kombat uppercuts where blood flies out of you for no discernible reason.

It went like this:

It wasn't so bad, though, after I regained consciousness, I finished the set without messing up again.  It just sucked to mess up 30 seconds into my set.  That's what I get for trying new things.

Well, anyway, there's another feature coming up Thursday.  This time the audience won't be 2/3rds my friends, so that'll probably make me a lot more comfortable and much less likely to fuck up.

I think that's how it works.

Feature Creature!

I'm a monster of main events! A demon of debuts! A poltergeist of performance!

I'm also featuring TONIGHT at Bloombars!

Can't make it? That's all right, I happen to ALSO be featuring Thursday at Spit Dat open mic!

That's right, it's a two-feature week! Shit's about to get real.

I performed on Saturday at Fan-Freaking-Tastic, a comedy-kinda-show at Chief Ikes in DC.  It went pretty well, considering I was the only poet going up there.  Luckily, I'm hilarious, so it worked out.  Actually, I think my moniker got more laughs than my poetry.  But that's okay.  No big deal.  It's not like I need to be validated on a daily basis.
oh god, oh god, why don't people like me?
Anyway.  It should be exciting/exhausting.  Having my first AND second feature in one week is pretty daunting, but I'm totally pumped.  Besides, honestly, I think having this much performance in one week will give me a certain amount of momentum that will make my features that much more fun to watch.  And I've spent too much of my life taking slow, controlled breaths.  I heard hyperventilating from time to time is good for you.

I'm also planning on trying to add some more emotion to my delivery.  I feel like I still sound a bit like I'm reciting sometimes.  When I see the performers I really like, they seem to have a real direct connection with what they're saying.  I want to work on that.


Either way, wish me luck, non-existent blog-subscribers.  It's time to rock some socks and take some names and chew bubblegum...or something...

Your rejection "didn't work for me"

"Thanks for submitting this story, but I'm going to pass on it. It didn't quite work for me, I'm afraid. Best of luck to you placing this one elsewhere, and thanks again for sending it my way."

What is this?

What the hell does that mean?

"It didn't quite work for me"

I didn't send you the story to find out whether it worked.  I sent you the story to try and get it into your magazine.  I know my story works.  I want to find out if you'll publish it.


What I want from a rejection letter:

• Notice that you will not be publishing my work
• That's it.

This isn't the first time I've gotten this reply, either.  There was someone else who said "it didn't quite work for me".  Those EXACT words.  I'm not the only one. 

What is it with these editors that they think we really care about their opinions? No, we want to know if it's accepted.  If not, suggestions are nice.  If not, SHUT UP.

Also, I'm annoyed.

Writing a poem about poems

So this'll be what I finish my feature at Bloombars with.  Or, at least, the beginning of the poem:

(With papers in front of my face)

It started like this.

Paper face-mask

Clean like I’m not

Smooth like I’m not.

Balanced cautious rhyme and timing

On classical language foundations.

I indented lines.

I punctuated.  Interestingly.

I a-b-a-b-c-c’d

I a-a-b-b-c-c-d-d’d

Shoot, I even used QUATRAINS.

It's an edited version of a much more corny poem about the change from a nervous poet to, I guess, a slam poet.  Because those are opposites.

Honestly, I've found myself having a hard time writing anything but spoken word-type stuff.  I mean, with poetry at least.  Fiction is still the same overwrought silliness that it's always been.  I'm not sure if this is an evolution in my style or if I need to control it.  I feel like at a certain point I'm just going to be going on stages and talking.  Like "Oh man, you know what I don't like? Grapefruit.  Why do people eat grapefruit? Even Tropicana's up on that business, selling Grapefruit juice.  You don't see Tropicana hydrochloric acid, why would they sell grapefruit juice?"

I think there's a poem there.  BRB, gonna go throw away everything I know about poetry and write about fruit.

Interesting tidbit

Lookie here.

Seems like there's one organization behind every evil piece of legislation ever made ever.  I mean, it's no surprise that the Republicans don't actually come up with even their most terrible ideas, but the fact that both the Wisconsin union-busting bill AND the Arizona immigration law came from the same shadowy organization? This is sci-fi shit right here.

People that should be (at least) locked up for March

I was gonna do Ann Coulter.  Because she says stupid shit.  But that's not new.  It's come to a point with her where just seeing her face triggers this sort of Pavlovian reaction in me where I just want to punch a journalist.  Not because I have any anger towards journalism (I do), but because it would sort of be like striking back at the media for bringing a creature like her to my attention.

No, I think this guy deserves this more:

 No, not the guy holding the assault weapon.  The guy pressing his old man teats against him.  That's right, Representative Peter King.  He's become notorious not for doing anything helpful for his constituents, but for doing active harm to the general public.  Which makes him a damn good Republican.

Not only does he look like the villain from some Batman movie, he's also the biggest hypocrite we've had in the news for a long time.  He's dusted off the mantle of McCarthyism and decided to bring American Muslims to trial for un-American activities.  So it's not even an ORIGINAL bit of insanity.  His concern is that Muslims aren't doing enough to combat extremism and terrorism.

The rules he applies to Muslims, of course, do not apply to him.  Peter King has strong affiliations with the Irish Republican Army.  The same IRA that injured 212 innocent people the bombing of a city centre in 1996.  He has close ties to Sinn Féine, the political arm of the IRA that has been classified as a terrorist organization by the US.

But, you know, he's right.  The IRA never attacked America.  I mean, they may have killed an American, but he was out-of-country, which makes his loyalties suspect!

So, in conclusion, Peter King is saying that terrorism is okay, unless you're Muslim.

Representative Peter King, the fact that you can breathe with your head that far up your ass boggles my mind.  The creaminess of your Irish nationalism mixed with the hard sound of your outright racism dropped into a half pint of stout political power is an explosively terrible combination that will get us all wasted.

Man, that was some delicious metaphor.

Representative King you should, at least, be in jail.