A breakup letter to Arianna Huffington

Hey, Arianna.  We need to talk.

We've been through a lot together.  Remember when you hired that insane holistic nightmare douchebag to run your "Living" section? Or when you insisted that the GOP thinks Obama is a Muslim bent on Muslim takeover of our good Christian world based on a poll that didn't say anything like that.  Or this:

Oh man, covering a story about saving two women from prison in Korea in a way that makes it sound like all that coverage of Kim Kardashian's nipple, that was something else.

We've had our times together, haven't we?

But this time, Arianna, you've gone too far.  Don't try and play coy, you know what I'm talking about.  I saw you yesterday with him, that slickster Tim Armstrong.  That's right.  I know what's going on here.  You're thinking of...god, I can't even say it...MERGING with AOL.

I don't understand how you could do this to us! And with AOL! AOL's a playa, you know that.  It's been skipping off to India and outsourcing every chance it gets! And it's sneaky.  Remember when it released almost a million users' data to the public? Not to mention it's a gold digger.  It tried to start an email service that would make senders pay for the right to get a message to your inbox! And fail, fail, fail.

And it's AOL! The only thing I remember AOL doing for anyone is providing a venue for middle-aged men to anonymously stalk teenagers! Besides that, it's slow connections, slingo and a messaging service NO ONE USES ANYMORE!

But if that's who you want to be with, Arianna, I won't stop you.  I'll miss your Democratic niceties and your adorable accent of indeterminate origin.  But there's plenty of other news aggregators in the sea.  Go ahead, have your "merging of visions".  I've already moved on.

I hope you get Herpes.